My estranged cousin Gertrude is visiting me in London this weekend, she’s never been to our fair capital before and I’m run amok…

[this actually means: ‘(among members of certain Southeast Asian cultures) a psychic disturbance characterized by depression followed by a manic urge to murder’ and I don’t actually mean it like that, but hey, you catch my drift;)]

…with what to do and where to take her. It feels like it’s such a big city- so much to see! so much to do! but I’d really like to take her off the beaten track a little and give her some flavour of the real London (you know, rush–hour-rodent-riots and over-priced watery cappuccinos!!). But seriously, what I mean is, not just take her to The Tower of London or to visit the houses of parliament.

So, I am trying to compile a schedule for the weekend and have the following list of recommended hot spots and little places I like to think I discovered, like a metropolitan Columbus (and didn’t just read about in Time Out).

Drinking Holes:

The Grenadier (Wilton Row, Belgravia, London,  SW1X 7NR) - A little old-school kinda joint which I only just visited for the first time a little while ago with my friend Sophia (a girl to be trusted in locating obscure places to drink beer). It’s mad, you’re walking down this back alley thinking I’m sure there can’t be a nice pub down here amongst the wheelie bins and general roughage and then you go through a gate and up into the poshest little street, it looks like France (you know, the cutesy bits) and the pub is full of stuffy old gentlemen drinking ale and propping up the railings outside and pristine glistening ladies-what-lunch propping up the old stuffy men! I really recommend it and I reckon ol’ Gertrude’s going to be pretty impressed by my knowledge of the back streets, the posho- ones. You can get inside this red changing-of-the-guards-like box that’s outside and take comical photos, as well, which is a bonus.

Walks:

The Canals in London have probably seen their fair share of gruesome episodes, but in the daylight, ‘it’s a fabulous way to see the city’. I grew up with a canal really close by and I like thinking that it runs all the way from The Big Smoke back to little old Marsworth, ducks and all. I love it, it’s so quiet. Even right around the back of Kings Cross when you can see construction cranes rubbing noses with each other and St Pancras Station and the BT Tower and it’s all flowery and overgrown and you could be a million miles away. NB. Do not recommend the stretch that goes through Park Royal though, not too hot- more ‘abandoned shopping trolley’ territory than haven au naturelle, although you do find the odd coconut floating past, which I found out wasn’t just some sort of food transport catastrophe of the waterways, but because local Hindi people celebrate ‘religious traditions where they supplement the Grand Union Canal for the sacred River Ganges’.. Anyway, Gertrude likes a bit of exercise so I’m thinking we might mosey along the Regents Canal to the Zoo on the Sunday, perhaps.

Markets:

I know, I know London’s heaving with them. You’ve got your Covent, your Portabello, your Spitalfields, your Borough, your Bermondsey, your Camden Lock- all very nice, but as I was saying I want to show our Gertie something a little unusual. So I’m thinking Ridley Road in Dalston. I used to live at the end of it, and I think it’d be nice to go back. I mean sure, it doesn’t smell as nice as Covent Garden, but its got some mean fabric shops, Jamaican cake shops and phone unlocking extraordinaires. 

Shops:

OOOOhh eeeee! This baby’s a right little find if you’ve got a sweet tooth. My gosh, its like stepping back in time, all gob-stoppers, rhubarb & custards, sherbert dib dabs plus some really fancy chocolates- all laid out like a sugar-fuelled wonderland. Although I did pay something reeee-diculous for one over-sized truffle. Check it out, if you can bare the journey so far South (East Dulwich that is, Hope and Greenwood, 20 North Cross Road, London SE22 020 8613 1777). Getrude’s going to be a little cream crackered by now, so I think a bit of a sweet treat might be just what she’s after.

Have I missed anything? Are there any places that Gertrude should really see on her visit to The Big City? 

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