Rachel’s show and tell
Today we have a tour going round BedZED (the Laundry’s home) of extremely intelligent 10 year olds. They all look very earnest and slightly worried. I’ve been thinking about how serious everything seems when you are little and how all my earliest memories are based on very-serious-at-the-time-but-now-ridiculous-embarrassing-incidents.
1. When I was at nursery school, Mrs Buckley’s in the local church hall (no I’m not even christened – it was just nearest, more on that next week), after every morning session of play dough, water-tub, sandpit and sticky paper fun we used to have some squash and a biscuit. I used to really really allergic to chocolate when I was little, every day one person would be nominated to carry round the basket of biscuits round the circle of children, there would be 25 Cadbury’s chocolate fingers and one Rich Tea, sitting lonely for little Rach. One day I thought, no I’m sick of being the odd one out; I’m taking a damn finger. Everything that happened next was in slow motion, suddenly Mrs Buckley turned round knocking over someone else’s squash, she shouted “Raaaacheeeeel, nooooooooooooooooooo” ran in striding steps over to my side of the circle and snatched the chocolate loveliness out of my hand, then everyone stopped what they were doing and glared at me in silence, eeeek.
2. In Reception class, I though it would be interesting to put a button up my nose, but it got stuck and all afternoon I kept getting told off for picking my nose.
3. Now in year 2 primary school still with my allergies, I had to have my Robinson’s Barley served first before everyone else’s Kiora. Claire Murray who sat opposite me made me laugh just as I was taking a swig of barley. Thrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp, I sprayed squash from my mouth ALL over the table in front of me and the picture I taken all morning to colour in. Maxine, the teacher’s helper, just looked at me, shook her head and said “Er, RAY-chul”.
4. When I first stayed the night at my best friend Maria’s house, I couldn’t sleep because the phone mattress was too itchy. I was just weeping into my pillow and didn’t know what to do, so I decided I had to tell Graham, Maria’s Dad. I crept downstairs and stood outside the door of the front room for about ten minutes trying to pluck up the courage to go in, eventually I did turn the handle and make my way over to the rug, but once I got there, I got stage fright and didn’t know what to say. So I just sat down on the sofa and waited. Graham didn’t say anything either, just carried on watching news night, so after another ten minutes, I just got up and quietly left. What a strange girl, he must have thought.
5. Maxine again, that woman was the bane of my life aged 6. I was trying to get into the class room but she was on the telephone blocking the way with he big bum leaning on the desk which was outside of the office – I’m going to try and draw it here:
Alright so there’s no way through – what is Rachel going to do? I was going to ask her to move, so I stood there trying to pluck up courage to ask her to move, but didn’t want to interrupt. There’s blatantly only one further course of action here:
Yes I got on my hands and knees and crawled under the talking Maxine. Half way through the crawling through, she finished her telephone conversation, hung up the phone, I looked up, she put her hand on her hips and said.
“Er, RAY-chul”.
6. When I was in year 4, a boy in year 6 said that he fancied me; I didn’t know what to do, so I made the fart noise at him and ran away, all his friends laughed.
7. In year 7 a year 11 pupil said that someone had trodden dog poo all the way up the stairs – it was me, the cleaner made me clean it up, blrgh.
8. In year 9, Mrs Dean the English teacher asked the class, “In the Importance of Being Earnest, Gwendolyn is set down with Jack, what does this mean?” “Is it going to bed with?” I asked. “No” she blushed, “it means sitting down to dinner”, oops.
I was going to tell you about when I was 7 and wet myself laughing at a neighbours house, who only had little boy children, so I had to wear a pair of Y fronts for the rest of the afternoon, but decided it would be inappropriate. Nothing could ever be as embarrassing though as when at a really important while Roger Red Hat was being read aloud in the reading corner, Gail Inot, farted really loudly, she rolled backward legs akimbo to ease release. Maxine said, “Er, GA-ul”.
Please tell us about your most embarrassing childhood memories here: