The Cures
Feeling a bit snotty this cold and crispy morning so thought I might write to you lot about everyday ailments and the things that you’re supposed to do to cure them. Sources of information vary from ‘Old Wives’ to google and even people that I’m only friends with through by the powers of facebook, which seems to just carry on amazing with its aptitude for reuniting me with people in my class at school who I never even spoke with. Is that because you only remember people’s surnames if you had to share a register with them? Anyway.
Hic-ups, which wikipedia defines as: “A hiccup or hiccough (ha!!) (normally pronounced “HICK-up” () regardless of spelling) is an involuntary spasm of the diaphragm (that would be: “ the thin muscle below the lungs and heart that separates the chest from the abdomen” in case you were wondering); typically this repeats several times a minute. The sudden rush of air into the lungs causes the glottis to close, creating the “hic” noise.”
Well, it just so happens that I have the mother of all cures for hiccups that I am going to share with you all so you can wow people with your magic for ever more. All you have to do is, (this is as the curer, not as the recipient of your magic cure) grasp the left (it MUST be the left) hand of the hiccupping person and press down hard on the area between the thumb and the forefinger. Whilst doing this the recipient must hold his/her breath and press down on the diaphragm (see above) with all his/her might until he or she can’t possibly hold the breath any more. At this point they should exhale slowly, very, very slowly and then breathe in very slowly. And, hey presto! The hiccups should be gone.
Much better than, say, balancing a cup of water on the bar whilst getting some poor sole to put their fingers in your ears. I wish I had known this years ago when my Dad had hiccups for three days straight. But, apparently, some hiccups are down to weird viral attacks on said diaphragm and cann0t be halted by nuttin’ Warts: Ew. I know nasty topic eh. (Brings back memories of nobody holding my hand during country dancing classes!) While I had to endure burning and freezing techniques for months, my brother’s magically vanished over night, like all the nasty lumps were was a wizard’s curse that had been lifted by kissing a frog or something. If only I had known. The best way to get rid of warts is to rub them with a piece of meat then bury that meat in your garden- tchjah! Now that does seem to make a lot of sense.
Hangovers: Now this topic is surely swarming with solutions. My Scottish friend Lil, relies on Irn Bru (yuk) which helps you because, 1. it tastes gross 2. it’s a scary orange colour and 3. its really fizzy. But, apparently this can’t be substituted by Lucozade. She notices. My old ‘friend’ Sarah used to down a pint of Alka-Zeltsa BEFORE bed. Whoh now that is committed to the prevention. That sort of salty rehydration mixtures make me want to be ill at the best of times.
While I was feeling a little delicate on Sunday, a certain trashy US Sitcom (about a latino girly who pretends to be unattractive- you know Ugly Betty) they suggested pouring bacon fat into tomato juice, which made me feel decidedly worse. Just the thought of it mind. Maybe if I’d dashed my vegetarianism for the cause of cures I would have found it works a treat. Who knows. Colds: Definitely a stash of ecinacea, and some lemon/honey/orange/ginger/chilli hot drinks combo’s is my fave approach. Can’t do lemsip unless I’m desperate. My half-brother and sister’s Dad Barrie made his kids Erica and Theo have cod-liver oil and malt every day before school and they only ever had a cold about once during their childhoods. But, have you ever tried cod liver oil from a spoon. I can still remember the way it clings to your throat for half the day after.